Steve: "My memory is awesome for things I happen to remember."

License-plate frame: "I work to support my horse's lifestyle."

Wendy (to Steve): "You really like to learn, but you don't like to do research like I do."

Steve: "Research is dumb. It's for people who don't know. I just know."

. . . in bed.

Steve, Liam, and I (and the baby, obviously) went to an Asian restaurant the other night. If you're familiar with the "in bed" fortune-cookie game, you'll appreciate these:

"Soon, you will receive pleasant news."

"The most direct approach isn't always the best. Use diplomacy."

And now, for the absolute best one I've ever seen:

"Travelling to the south will bring you unexpected happiness."

Lost?

I'm thinking of developing a new Web site, maps.steve.com. It will be an extremely accurate site for finding directions from wherever you are to anywhere else in the world, including Kathmandu.

Unlike the well known Google Maps, Stevegle Maps will not provide satellite imagery, because it will not be based on actual photos or mathematical surveying of areas.

Instead, Stevegle Maps will be based entirely on Steve's uncanny ability to find his way to specific locations (including picnic benches) in cities where he's never been before.

Looking for a Singaporean restaurant in suburban Knoxville, TN? No problem! Consult Stevegle Maps! Steve will just "have this feeling" that the restaurant is 5.43 miles northeast of your current location (which he will divine without you having to tell him). And he'll just "get the impression" that to get there, you should turn right at the next street, and two blocks down there "should" be a road running diagonally across said street. This road will lead you over train tracks (which he "just knows" are there). You could keep going on this road, but Steve is "pretty sure" that there will be construction and potholes and roadkill to avoid. So he'll direct you to park your car next to the train tracks and follow a wild-boar path through the woods. This path will lead right to the front door of your destination. Steve may even be able to tell you what specials the restaurant is offering that night. Wild boar, perhaps.

I sense that perhaps a Faustian deal was struck in order for him to receive this supernatural gift.

Dentists

I've always wondered why it seems like there are so few female dentists. I have speculated that perhaps it's one of those professions that is still dominated by men due to stereotypes (the whole men-are-dentists-and-women-are-hygienists thing). Of course, this possibility has always rather ticked me off.

But yesterday, as my [male] dentist was leaning way over my face to apply sealant to two of my back molars, I realized the true reason DDS is primarily a male title. And that reason is breasts. In the dental world, they're an occupational hazard. Seriously. If my dentist had been a woman, her breasts would've been resting against my face--even if they were moderate-sized breasts. Perhaps there's some sort of chest-size limitation placed on dental-school applicants, and most women are over the limit.

I know what you're thinking: But hygienists work on your teeth too, and they're almost always women. And some of the hygienists who've cleaned my teeth in the past could perhaps even be described as buxom.

Yes, this may be the case. But hygienists, even when cleaning your back teeth, do not have to contort their bodies in the same ways--or insert as many instruments into your mouth at once--as dentists do. And the task of cleaning someone's teeth, while requiring delicacy, precision, and thoroughness (and sometimes involving sharp implements), does not carry the same mandate of perfection--and the same potential for causing significant pain and blood loss--as the task of drilling into someone's root canal or injecting copious amounts of Novocain into someone's jaw does.

While many female hygienists have had to hunch over me in the past, their bodies within millimeters of my shoulder, not one of them has ever bumped me in the face with her chest. And that's exactly what my dentist (did I mention that he's male? and breastless?) did to me yesterday.

Okay, either Spanish speakers are, in general, smarter and way more intuitive than English speakers, or Kidde has a callous--and racist--disregard for their well-being.

So, a long time ago we bought a one-hand squeezy pepper mill:

The great thing about it is that you can use it with one hand. But the terrible thing about it is that you can use it with one hand:

So, we drove out to the ocean last weekend. Being the anal people we are (each in our own way, of course), we looked at maps online the night before. And we noticed something interesting:


No, I'm not referring to New London, nor am I referring to what must be the 300th Ocean City in the nation. I'm not even referring to the town of Aloha. Let's take a closer look:

Yes, folks, it's Humptulips. In the words of Steve, "Humptulips--it's where tulips come to mate."

True Confessions

We still have all our Christmas decorations up--outdoor and indoor (including the Christmas tree). The Christmas lights outside all still go on at dusk, as do the tree lights. Maybe I should send this in to PostSecret (see link at left).

Trick or treat

Here are some Halloween "treats" for you.

Flaming Bag of Poo

Why Dogs Hate Halloween

Note: I'm not endorsing either Web site by posting these links.

Funny New Link

Check out this link, Crummy Church Signs. It's hilarious . . . and sometimes disturbing.

Book Survey

One book that changed your life: The Secret Knowledge of Grown-Ups by David Wisniewski

One book that you’ve read more than once: Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

One book you’d want on a desert island: Wilderness Survival by Gregory J. Davenport

One book that made you laugh: Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

One book that made you cry: The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

One book you wish had been written: Beyond Gender: Why "Male and Female He Created Them" Doesn't Come Close to Encapsulating God's Creativity

One book you wish had never been written: Due to a current source of part-time income that could be jeopardized if I revealed the title, author, and a link, I'll just reveal the initials: BUB by JD (if you don't get it, you'll have to ask me)

One book you’re currently reading: Les Miserables (sorry, I don't know how to do accent marks in HTML) by Victor Hugo (unabridged, 3-volume version in French)

One book you’ve been meaning to read: 1984 by George Orwell (I know, I know: "Gasp! You were an English major and you've never read that?!" I've read a lot of his essays--honest!)

One book you’d like to write: The Joy of Borgle Hounds

Now tag 5 people: Lori Day, Karl Gunther, Kelly Wood, Karin Buursma, Paul Hewson

Easter Picture

This had me laughing for a long time.

Blonde Joke

I don't like stereotype jokes (and blonde jokes fit in this category), but this one is hilarious! I'm even blonde and I like it. To read it, click here.

What Wendy Needs

I steal most of my good blogging ideas from Julie and Mike. Here’s a great one: Google “[your name] needs” and copy down the best results. Here’s are my results. There were so many good ones that I made several categories.

I’ve also got some coarser ones — probably the funniest list of all; they’re on my R-rated blog. If you don’t have the address and want it, let me know.

* * * * *

Wendy needs your opinion on this.
There are some things that Wendy needs to know.

Funniest Clean Ones
1. Wendy needs a little time to dress her boy toy up and take him on parade.
2. Wendy needs to raise her voice to be heard. . . . Being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring.
3. Wendy needs to crawl back into her hole and fade into history (that will never be remembered. Hurray!).
4. Wendy needs to die a slow, torturous TV death.
5. Wendy needs Steve to hold an intervention with Jimmy Mac.
6. Wendy needs me now . . . before it’s too late.
7. Wendy needs a whipping.
8. Wendy needs to get herself some Gavin.
9. Wendy needs something fruity!
10. Wendy needs her own show.

Wow! That’s Deep.
1. Wendy needs to revive her blog because we are all missing out by her being on blog hiatus.
2. Wendy needs to balance her supernatural abilities with quick thinking and resourcefulness.
3. Wendy needs to answer the question of equality.
4. Wendy needs a patient, loving home to help her realize that humans are not the enemy. After a harsh existence on the outside, it will take time to gain her trust. But there is nothing more rewarding than that moment when eyes once filled with fear gaze at you with love.
5. Wendy needs to witness both of these extremes at this important point in her life, so that she is able to find a middle path.
6. Wendy needs to see that Jesus Christ is the Messiah the Jews have been waiting for (I assume she’s Jewish, but I could be wrong).
7. Wendy needs now to be educated as a young woman, not a child.
8. Wendy needs rescuing, but only for a little while.
9. Wendy needs to find herself very quickly.
10. Wendy needs to come up with some new and diverse real facts.

Couldn’t Have Said It Better Myself
1. Wendy needs to get away for a while.
2. Wendy needs a place as remote and isolated as my ranch to stay for a while.
3. Wendy needs mental help.
4. Wendy needs your help.
5. Wendy needs donations.
6. Wendy needs to grow up.
7. Wendy needs to get a life.
8. Wendy needs to apologise some more.
9. Wendy needs to have the right things at the right time.
10. As if Wendy needs any help!

That’s News to Me!
1. Wendy needs to be nominated.
2. Wendy needs to pay a little better so that people with brains will want to work.
3. Wendy needs a new home and she will bring her own truck.
4. Wendy needs to KNIT.
5. Wendy needs help building a soccer field.
6. Wendy needs three people to get her out of a bad situation.
7. Wendy needs help, to the tune of more than Australian $50,000.
8. Wendy needs a zoologist.
9. Wendy needs a good plumber.
10. Wendy needs a new hiking partner.

Physical Needs
1. Wendy needs an overhaul.
2. Wendy needs sleep.
3. WENDY NEEDS TO GO!!
4. Wendy needs more HUGS!
5. Wendy needs to eat.
6. Wendy needs lungs and a heart.
7. Wendy needs to shut herself up.

Emotional Needs
1. Wendy needs a compliment.
2. Wendy needs to be assured by you.
3. Wendy needs someone to talk to.
4. Wendy needs a man—no, a gentleman.
5. Wendy needs a mommy.
6. Wendy needs a family who is fairly stable.
7. Wendy needs some practice with relating to people.
8. Wendy needs to get on with her own life and stop living in the past.
9. Wendy needs to be ashamed of herself.

Occupational Needs
1. Wendy needs a job.
2. Wendy needs proper training on how to handle stress in the work environment.
3. Wendy needs five personal assistants.
4. Wendy needs an editor.
5. Wendy needs to go back to selling fast food.

Inspiration on fabric

T-shirt sentiments:

"PROCRASTINATE NOW"

"There's no sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway."

Quote

Funny/disturbing Holiday Inn sign:

"Call us for your next affair to remember."

I don't think they thought that out very well.

Funny Quotes, Europe 2005

Monaca and I made a point of writing down funny quotes we heard or said over the course of our trip. They may or may not be funny (or even comprehensible) to others, but perhaps you'll enjoy some of them.

Wendy: "rigamarole"

Wendy: "heebie-jeebies"

Monaca: "kosher"

Wendy: "It made me funny." ("It made me laugh.")

Monaca & Wendy: "I'm sitting on a cow couch." (sung to the tune of "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas")

"Look--a cow!" (Drunk American girl, echoed by Swiss guy)

"Maybe you should just stand by the cow." (Drunk American girl)

Monaca: "He's British."
Wendy: "How do you know?"
Monaca: "Look at his shorts. Only a Brit would wear shorts like that."
Wendy: "And with those shoes and socks."
Monaca: "Exactly. Take a picture."

Wendy: "Look at those rollerblades."
Monaca: "Take a picture."

Wendy: "Look at that girl's mohawk."
Monaca: "Take a picture."

Wendy: "Look at that guy's shirt."
Monaca: "Take a picture."

Monaca: "Can I take a picture?"

Wendy: "Look at that cow."
Monaca: "Take a picture."
Wendy: "Okay. Act like you're milking it."

Wendy: "I dare you to pick John Calvin's nose."

Monaca: "Why don't you move up a seat? Lots of people are getting on at this stop."

Monaca: "If I were going to commit suicide, I wouldn't do anything boring. I'd throw myself in [the jet d'eau] or something.

Monaca: "That looks like snow."
Wendy: "Mmm-hmm."
Monaca: "Take a picture. We can say we hiked through snow."

Wendy: "I don't really speak Italian."
Monaca: "Well, I don't speak at all."

Wendy: "Is this water drinkable?"
Monaca: "I'm drinking it."

Wendy: "Look--this is a bathroom. I just thought it was a random door."
Monaca: "Yeah, well, I tried to open that door."

Wendy: "I'm tired, I'm hot, and I'm irritable."

"There's always a good reason to fight in England." (Irish guy)

"You want to play now?" (Vatican guard, motioning to Monaca's football [soccer ball])

"Non toccare. Do not touch. Do not touch." (Vatican guard)

Monaca: "This reminds me of when I was younger, and my grandma used to make gnocchi and I would eat them raw."
Wendy (30 seconds later): "These taste kinda like dirt."
Monaca: "I don't know; I've never had dirt before."
Wendy: "Well, neither have I, but it probably tastes like this."
Monaca: "Well, I like them."

"That's different." (British man running through the wind & rain at the top of the Eiffel Tower)

Monaca: "It's pretty hard to annoy me."
Wendy: "I think I've succeeded."
Monaca: "When you've been trying?"

Wendy: "I feel like I just won at the world's biggest slot machine." (watching the Eiffel Tower start sparkling at night)

Monaca: "Probably only the rich people come here at night. You know--the people who drink martinis and . . . eat real meals."

Monaca: "I was trying to think of something that real people do." (she meant rich people)

"Do you want another Celebration, or do you just want a picture of them?" (12-year-old Irish boy)

"You've probably seen other members of my group. You know, suspicious-looking characters--probably terrorists." (kind old Irish man on a pilgrimage)

"That's very sensible of you." (kind old Irish man)

Irish man: "Did you stay long in Paris?"
Wendy: "No. Just a couple of days."
Irish man: "That's very sensible of you. It's a horrible place."

"It's a bank holiday in Ireland this weekend, so lots of places will be closed on Monday. But don't worry--the pubs'll be open." (different old Irish man)

Wendy: "Ca va si nos bagages sont dans l'autre bus?"
Bus-depot guy: (long silence; he's staring at me sternly)
Wendy: "J'espere?"
Bus-depot guy: "Il faut esperer--esperer que l'autre bus ne tombe pas en panne; qu'il ne se bascule pas; qu'il ne s'explose pas. Si non, c'est cool." (smiles)

TRANSLATION:
Wendy: "Is it okay if our bags are on the other bus?"
Bus-depot guy: (long silence; he's staring at me sternly)
Wendy: "I hope?"
Bus-depot guy: "You'd better hope--hope that the other bus doesn't break down; that it doesn't tip over; that it doesn't explode. Otherwise, it's cool." (smiles)

"I wish they had a cat museum." (Eva, a little Irish girl, commenting on how Paris could be improved)

"I'm beginning to hate this country a bit." (Eva, commenting on being stuck in France after our flight to Ireland was canceled)

Monaca: "You're an ostrich; your brain is smaller than your head."

"I like the accent. Savage." (Irish guy, commenting on Monaca's American accent)

Monaca: "Those aren't statues? I thought they were statues." (commenting on street performers)

Monaca: "I have a nose for bacon."

Wendy: "That's the second time we've ignored a door that turns out to contain a shower."

Monaca: "That's okay; these pants are used to being wet."

Monaca: "I just dropped a pound." (referring to the UK's monetary unit)

10 Ways to End a Friendship while Backpacking in Europe

10. Snap at your friend about travel issues that are completely out of her control.
9. If your friend is a cat lover, repeatedly tell her how much you hate cats and wish they all would die.
8. Do things that will keep your friend awake at night (e.g., snore, snuggle with her).
7. Answer a simple question with a snide remark (e.g., "Is this water drinkable?" "I'm drinking it.")
6. Call your friend hypocritical and insensitive in the same conversation.
5. Leave the France guidebook in Italy, before getting on a plane for Paris. (This is the only item on the list that didn't actually happen.)
4. Keep talking to your friend even after she tells you to shut up because she needs to concentrate on not peeing her pants.
3. When lost, ask highly annoying questions, such as: "Are you sure we're going the right way?" and "Do you want me to look at the map?"
2. Tell your friend a meal tastes like dirt right after she says it reminds her of food her grandma used to make.
1. Tell your friend that what she just did should go on this list.