Sunday, May 31, 2009

Right now, as I prepare breakfast, I have come to the realization that I am indeed barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I'm thinking of developing a new Web site, It will be an extremely accurate site for finding directions from wherever you are to anywhere else in the world, including Kathmandu.

Unlike the well known Google Maps, Stevegle Maps will not provide satellite imagery, because it will not be based on actual photos or mathematical surveying of areas.

Instead, Stevegle Maps will be based entirely on Steve's uncanny ability to find his way to specific locations (including picnic benches) in cities where he's never been before.

Looking for a Singaporean restaurant in suburban Knoxville, TN? No problem! Consult Stevegle Maps! Steve will just "have this feeling" that the restaurant is 5.43 miles northeast of your current location (which he will divine without you having to tell him). And he'll just "get the impression" that to get there, you should turn right at the next street, and two blocks down there "should" be a road running diagonally across said street. This road will lead you over train tracks (which he "just knows" are there). You could keep going on this road, but Steve is "pretty sure" that there will be construction and potholes and roadkill to avoid. So he'll direct you to park your car next to the train tracks and follow a wild-boar path through the woods. This path will lead right to the front door of your destination. Steve may even be able to tell you what specials the restaurant is offering that night. Wild boar, perhaps.

I sense that perhaps a Faustian deal was struck in order for him to receive this supernatural gift.

Friday, May 8, 2009


I've always wondered why it seems like there are so few female dentists. I have speculated that perhaps it's one of those professions that is still dominated by men due to stereotypes (the whole men-are-dentists-and-women-are-hygienists thing). Of course, this possibility has always rather ticked me off.

But yesterday, as my [male] dentist was leaning way over my face to apply sealant to two of my back molars, I realized the true reason DDS is primarily a male title. And that reason is breasts. In the dental world, they're an occupational hazard. Seriously. If my dentist had been a woman, her breasts would've been resting against my face--even if they were moderate-sized breasts. Perhaps there's some sort of chest-size limitation placed on dental-school applicants, and most women are over the limit.

I know what you're thinking: But hygienists work on your teeth too, and they're almost always women. And some of the hygienists who've cleaned my teeth in the past could perhaps even be described as buxom.

Yes, this may be the case. But hygienists, even when cleaning your back teeth, do not have to contort their bodies in the same ways--or insert as many instruments into your mouth at once--as dentists do. And the task of cleaning someone's teeth, while requiring delicacy, precision, and thoroughness (and sometimes involving sharp implements), does not carry the same mandate of perfection--and the same potential for causing significant pain and blood loss--as the task of drilling into someone's root canal or injecting copious amounts of Novocain into someone's jaw does.

While many female hygienists have had to hunch over me in the past, their bodies within millimeters of my shoulder, not one of them has ever bumped me in the face with her chest. And that's exactly what my dentist (did I mention that he's male? and breastless?) did to me yesterday.